phinmag: a personal experimental media project

I’m amused, really. I look at some women my age or younger who dress and act so mature than I do. This is not to say that I’m childish. No. I am a mature responsible adult. Just that I don’t seem to look that way.

Often I get mistaken for a college student. When I was in my early twenties, I was mistaken for a teenager. But from my late twenties onwards, most people who met me would figure I’m in my early twenties – college age; or at least fresh out of college.

I meet a lot of people and surprisingly, most of them are a whole lot younger than I am. For some reason, I get along very well with people younger than me compared to those older (well, not all but in general). I don’t know why.

The funny thing that never fails to amuse me is how people assume my age. First, they asked which college/university I go to. I told them I never went that far, just finished high school and been working since then. Then, they asked me how long have I been working with my current employment. I’d tell them how many years. From there, I suspect, they guessed my age based on the time I left school and the years I spent working with my current job, which adds to about twenty-two to twenty-four; early twenties. But little did they know that they failed to acknowledge the ten years or so worth of working experience I had right after high school and before my current employment!

Because if they knew, they would have calculated my age to be thirty this year – not twenty-two.

Of course, I just let them assume whatever they want. I’m not complaining. I never corrected them or filled them in what they neglect to ask. Besides, people hardly ever ask me about where I had work before my current job. They just assume this current job is my first after high school.

Apparently, I don’t seem to age much after high school. I’ve bumped into some former schoolmates and they all said I didn’t change much. Standing next to them I look like a teenager going to head-bang in a rock concert – not a serious corporate-looking working woman and/or a wife and mother of two. It’s not that I don’t know how to dress like a grownup. I do – if I feel like it. But I believe I have my own personal style that doesn’t define my age.

Growing older doesn’t mean I have to look old. I’d like to think that I have a young personality, and keep a good balance of maturity and youthful spirit. I like where I am now and looking forward to where I can go from here. There’s more that I want to achieve. Settling down with a husband and kids is not in my priority now. It’s not that I rule out marriage altogether. I’m just saying that I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. For now, career is something I want to focus on. There are still a lot of things I haven’t done yet.

I have met some former schoolmates who attempt to ‘compare notes’ with me, digging up information to see how much I have done career-wise, marriage, children, etc. This annoys me. I don’t need to be judged for what they think I’m lacking in life at my age now. So what if I don’t have a successful career with a big fat salary, married to a rich man and have adorable kids like they do? That’s their life, the path they had chosen to take. I’m happy if they are happy with their life now. Good for them. But I don’t need for them to indirectly tell me that I’m missing out in some way or that I should grow up soon because I’m not getting any younger anymore. It’s just plain rude, I tell you.

I like where my life is heading now compared to the past ten years. I didn’t exactly have a good childhood nor was my teenage life exciting (well, it was exciting in the unfortunate way). My twenties was turbulent and painful (though I can’t deny that I have learnt much about myself and other people during that period). Since that phase is done and over with, I’m glad to be turning thirty and am finding more confidence and energy to do more things I’ve always wanted to do.

I may not have a peachy life but it was filled with plenty of experiences that I can ever learn from books. I’ve grown from those experiences. And that is more valuable than me rushing off to get married and all just to be a grownup.

Besides, I don’t feel old. And so what if the people I always hang out with are much younger than I am? Age is just a number anyway. And I can still get away looking young without even trying! Like, how cool is that?

Here is something I wrote similar to this subject in 2004:

Girls my age are acting so grown up while I act like a grown up when the occasion calls for it.

Girls my age are married with three kids in tow while I still feel like a kid.

Girls my age are saving money for their kids future education fund while I’m saving money for my traveling/holiday fund.

Girls my age are helping their husbands pick the right tie for a fancy dinner while I’m trying figuring out the right outfit to wear for a girls’ night out.

Girls my age are well-groomed and dressed like a corporate leader to work while I look like a teenager going to head-bang at a rock concert.

Girls my age are planning tomorrow’s meals for her family today while I see what I feel like eating when tomorrow comes.

Girls my age are singing nursery rhymes to her kids while I sing rock songs to myself without a care in the world.

Girls my age are settled comfortably in their careers while late-bloomer me is still figuring out what to do with my life.

Girls my age are contented that their life is complete - career, marriage, kids, etc - while I’m still exploring all the possibilities in life that I want to achieve without being tied down by a family.

Girls my age are thinking back about the good old days when they were single while I’m thinking how great it is to be single now.

I suppose I should have wrote “women my age…” instead of “girls…”, eh?

“Oh no, he’s gonna make us do warm ups!” I told my friend while in the car one fine Saturday afternoon.

My friend dragged me along to play futsal because her colleague invited her. Her colleague wanted to start an all-girl futsal team. My friend thought it was just for fun until the coach arrived.

“I guessed this is serious,” as my friend giggled and laughed at my statement earlier.

Honestly, I am not an athletic person - even back in school, when training for Sport’s Day was a nightmare. I never survived warm ups. I died by the first five minutes. Stamina is not something I have for sports though, ironically, I can actually danced for four hours straight in a club. Another point is that I haven’t done any proper exercise – unless you count dancing alone in my room because there are no where else in Kuching to dance without getting gawked at by people – for more than a year! That’s how active I am.

But seriously, I’m not much of a sports person. The only sports I pay attention to is the X Games. Yeah, I like extreme sports especially skateboarding (I used to skateboard when I was little until the board broke and Dad said girls don’t skateboard and that was the end of the story). Other than that, sports is not a favorite subject of mine.

Anyway, before I go off tangent, back to that Saturday in March… I happened to take a day off from work then, which was why I was able to make it for the afternoon training. This was my first experience playing futsal; the same with my friend too.

The coach is a few years younger than I am (my friend and I are the old farts there). Four other girls showed up including my friend’s colleague (she’s the captain) with the youngest being, like, eighteen. We are like a motley crew of female futsal players. One petite girl is like a little dynamite of energy; another is a bit crazed and tend to give self-sports-commentaries when she’s playing, pretending to be Ronaldo or one of those famous football dudes; one ever-smiling quiet girl who is just as confused as I am about the rules; our patient captain who tries her best to keep her deranged team mates in line; and my friend who giggles when she plays even when she’s kicking air with all her might. I just kick ball without any grasp over the rules or technique yet. (Though my friend told me that the captain thinks I got potential. My friend has been calling me Miss Pele since then.)

I admit it was a lot of fun. I guess I could be a part of the all-girl team – just for the heck of it. But with work and all, going for training may be a bit difficult. I think my friend likes the idea of wearing those cute women’s futsal outfits than actually playing the game.

Well, the coach did tell us one honest fact why guys like to watch women play futsal: it’s the sexy outfits – and definitely sexier if the girl can actually play. Hmmm… sweaty girls in sexy futsal jerseys and shorts expertly tackle a ball appeals to men, eh? Hah.

Trying something new has always been fun to me though it is not something I have done in a long while. A part of me is afraid of the unknown. Trying something fresh is scary. Yet, strange enough, a bigger part of me has this daring tendency to just go “Oh hell” and try anyway. I find that trying new things is a challenge to myself. If I never done it, I really want to do it no matter how scary it felt. I think growing stagnant of mind, body and soul is scarier.

Boredom kills me. And I do get bored easily - which is why I strive to find something new to do to get me all excited, motivated and feel alive again. The creation of Phin Magazine or Phin Mag is one endeavor to breath new life to the world of blogging. Well, at least my world of blogging - I don’t expect to rock other people’s world of blogging as well.

I’ve been blogging for about a decade now and it’s beginning to feel old. I know there are a lot of people out there who just “discovered” the joys of blogging. But for me, the trend is so passé now. This was why I came up with the idea of Phin Mag: take something old and give it a new concept. Putting the contents together has been pretty interesting and I’m really excited about publishing the first issue and coming up with ideas for future ones. It’s so fun!

My brain has been spewing some fresh ideas lately, with more new things for me to explore. Phin Mag is not my only side project and futsal is not my only new hobby. I’m game for anything. I just started another side project making jewelry for sale and rediscovering other passions at the same time.

Starting something new may be scary but you’ll never know what you’re missing out if you don’t try – even if you don’t know what you’re doing. New things makes us learn and experience, and takes us to where we’d never thought of. You’ll be surprise. A walk on the wild side has its benefits.

Take Danny Wallace, for instance. He’s a British author, who, out of boredom, placed a whimsical ad in the papers one day and asked people – just anyone – to “Join Me”. Join him in what? No one knew; neither did he. But a lot of people did join him anyway and Mr Wallace ended up with his own cult, by accident. It’s not a the-end-is-near-suicide-pact kind of cult (but he prefers to call it as a “collective”). It’s more about doing good deeds and random acts of kindness. I’m reading his book Join Me now, thanks to a recommendation from a friend who picked up a tattered secondhand copy of it in the budget bin at a bookstore recently.

I’m not starting a cult here. Nor do I have big ambitions to be a cult leader either. I’m the kind of person who throws herself into something new when she’s bored and needed a challenge to bring her out of her rut.

Life should be an adventure because sometimes there’s a need to get out of that comfort zone and have fun.